Are You "Open"? (And What To Look Out For)

The word "open" is pretty popular. We hear it in conversations around exploring new concepts, places, people, things, etc. We also hear it or have used it ourselves in conflict resolutions. It's a great concept of allowing room in our view for other possibilities. It's part of how we can grow with new people and experiences, and have understanding for differences and how to live with them.

As with any other wonderful concept, I've seen this word used maliciously (though not always intentional) to maintain control, and direct conversations and relationships. Afterall, there's a difference between wanting to be heard, and needing to be right. And if we're not aware, we can fall pray to manipulation. The worst part is that the effects are generally not drastic, and build up over time - we'll experience the unpleasantness but it becomes really difficult to pinpoint since it isn't a large singular event, but a pattern repeated in small events over a long period of time.

For me, clarity is important. Drawing the line between identifying factors for the two concepts allows for the most objectivity, which helps to distinguish in practice when emotions are involved.

What Does Being "Open" Mean for Me?

I allow for the possibility that my existing judgement is not final. My views are shaped by my experiences, and if I set my existing views and opinions aside, I can add a new experience to my data set and re-evaluate to now include this new experience or idea to form a new opinion (which may be the same as the old opinion) that does not account for my popularity.

What Does Being "Malleable" Mean for Me?

I do not trust my own ability to observe, analyze, and form judgement in a given situation. I'm used to being told that I'm wrong in similar situations in the past and shown that my views have no value. I take on the opinion of louder voices as my own without fully understanding or agreeing to the logic behind their view.

Breaking the Pattern:

Whether it happens to you often or only rarely, it's helpful to re-evaluate our patterns from time to time, and implement the tools that help you by practicing them consistently.

1) Give Yourself Time

Much like how car salesmen get you to pay more than you need to, putting the pressure of time on you forces you to make a decision you may not be ready to make. It usually results in choosing what the person wants you to choose rather than trusting your own judgement.

Rather than jumping to a choice to avoid conflict, say "I need a day (hour, few minutes) to think about it". It's a great way for me to see how much respect and consideration the other person has for me. If they continue to pressure, they're putting their own wants and needs above yours, which means the choice they want you to make do not hold your best interest. Remind them that you want that time without additional influence from them. Even with the best intentions, needing time is not the same as needing a push.

Be mindful to not simply say "I need more time". It tells the other person their time is not valuable over your own uncertainty. Similarly, if the situation is reversed, ask for a time frame. If they won't give you one, consider moving on without them.

2) Stand at "No"

"No." is technically a complete sentence.

Jokes aside, there's a difference between having an intellectual debate, where it's a mutual sharing and comparing of information, and a battle of the opinions. With the former, there's no pressure to agree. If your opinion or choice is asked for, and when you give it honestly, you're met with "why?". Take a second and recognize that it is being challenged. Before you respond, be aware first if you are about to sharing information or justifying your choice or view. If you're not sure, ask "For my own clarity, are you wanting to understand my perspective or are you wanting me to agree with you?" This may put them on the back foot if they were looking to challenge your view, in which case they'll react defensively, and no matter how much you make sense, they'll only accept the response they have in mind. Be prepared for a lack of resolution, and the only thing left for me to say in most cases is "You asked me for my opinion. That's my opinion.", and let that stand.

3) Seek Counsel

First, consider the people in your life, and look for those who have no trouble agreeing with you and cheering you on, expressing their opinions when they feel you are in the wrong when it comes to situations where they are not personally involved, and admitting their own fault and responsibilities in conflicts where they are personally involved. Express to them that you are asking for something from them, and make it clear that those are the qualities that you appreciate them for. It helps to have a mutual understanding of your relationship.

When you ask for time to form your decision or opinion, consider if you'll need outside counsel to help determine how much time you may need. Be aware that you still have to give a response whether you get deciding information or not.

4) Forgive Your Own Mistakes

One of the reasons why we give into others opinions when pressed is that ultimately, we do not want the responsibility of being wrong. If I can say "I shouldn't have listened to them", then ultimately it was that other person that was wrong. I only take responsibility of trusting the wrong person, not in making the choice itself.

The world doesn't end when we make a mistake. And not all mistakes are mistakes. We make the best choice we can with the information we have, and know that whatever the result and consequences, we'll recover.

5) Be Honest About Your Level of Information, Experience, and Skill

I'm great at problem solving, but have a terrible memory for irrelevant information. How much have you seen of the world? Of other cultures? Of the differences in people and what's important to them? How much expertise do you have in different subjects? Know where you have ground and where you have the most to gain by listening to other sources of knowledge. There's nothing wrong with not knowing everything. There's also nothing wrong with knowing more than others where you actually do, especially when it comes to knowing you.